Monday, December 20, 2010

Noel in Paradise?

The number of unmentionables has been rising incredibly over the past few weeks. As I said to Mr. Bennet only yesterday, if you spend more time on the battlefield than the ballroom, something is wrong!

As you may know, unmentionables are a subject of much contention in the Bennet household—but fear not! I have a solution! Why, only last week, my neighbour Mrs. Lucas was telling me about the lovely—and nearly dreadful-free—opportunities for travel to the New World. (Yes, Mrs. Lucas and I are back on speaking terms, though I haven’t forgotten how her daughter Charlotte betrayed our family).

She was telling me about a lovely place in Florida—one of the colonies in the new world. Apparently, there’s a village there called Orlando, which is charming, warm, and has not yet been afflicted by the plague. Why, simply imagine what the balls and events must be like there, with the summer warmth, and not a single dreadful to be had?

I’m currently dropping “hints” for Mr. Bennet—hopefully he will understand what I’m getting at—a lovely vacation for the family, one that’s ever so much more relaxing than a stint in London or a week in Bath. Of course, the trip will take nearly two months to complete, but I would consider it a Christmas worth the wait. What do you think of my plan, readers?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Decorations, Without Risk of Decapitation!

Reinvent these five everyday objects for an affordable—and dreadful-free!—holiday season.

1.    Gauze: Certainly, you have more than enough white gauze in your first aid kit. Simply bundle this material in whimsical “poufs,” hang it from your ceiling using your cross-stitching thread, and you have turned your home into a winter wonderland!
2.    Katanas: When in the hands of a man intent on decapitating a dreadful, a katana is lacking a certain degree of “holiday cheer.” However, the blade is quite handy for removing chestnuts from their shells, and slicing those cheery ribbons that adorn your Christmas packages! 
3.    Bayonettes: When polished to a holiday sheen and adorned with a bough or two of greenery (only if you can get outside safely!), these silver embellishments can enhance even the most sophisticated of homes.
4.    Iodine: Perhaps you have this disinfectant on hand to prevent the plague from spreading. But the liquid can also be used as a dye that adds a lovely violet hue to your drab, outdated wardrobe. Simply soak a tired pair of dancing slippers or a faded pinafore in iodine, and you have a reinvented winter wardrobe!
5.    Musket Balls: When painted silver, these perfect spherical forms are lovely adornments to hang from your Christmas tree, or to include as a decorative element in that basket of sweetmeats you deliver to your close friends each year. 

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Christmas Has Arrived!!!

Last night a thick blanket of snow covered Longbourn—just in time to harken the “Christmas season” on the first of December! Such was the joy of rising to a world sparkling with ice and snow that the girls and I decided that we simply must decorate the house, and set out at once to collect boughs of holly for our Yuletide d├ęcor.

We hadn’t gotten more than a few hundred metres from Longbourn before we encountered a most disturbing scene—the pure snow adulterated by the savage red blood of a newly dead corpse, its brain stripped bare by the teeth of a group of zombies. (You didn’t hear it from me, but I daresay it was our Southernly neighbors who were most recently afflicted with the plague—they lacked breeding in life, as well as death!) The snow was disturbed and tousled around the stiffening body, and we could only assume that the unmentionables were wandering in the woods, waiting to attack. Why, even the name of Father Christmas would not discourage them from quite ruining our holiday season.

Of course, Lizzy and Jane set out at once, pulling their daggers from their boots and swearing that they would each slay at least twelve unmentionables before sundown.  Thankfully, I have five daughters, and three of them were more interested in Holiday Cheer than hunting the undead.

Now, in case you were wondering, we have discovered a few ingenious methods for decorating our home using everyday objects (in a manner that requires less “scavenging” for boughs and branches than normal). As soon as I have a moment to spare, I shall compile a list of our ideas—for they are as stylish as they are safe!!!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Enough with the noise!

A musical selection for to help you mask the unappetizing moans, screams, and plodding footsteps of those incessant unmentionables!!

1.    Gloria Estefan- Conga: I quite dare you to listen to this tune without leaping to your feet, and “celebrating life!” Why, last week I was so swept up in “doing that conga beat” that I didn’t notice an unmentionable clawing his way into a second story window. (Fear not, Mr. Bennet was waiting with a loaded musket.)

2.    Amy Grant- Baby Baby: What follows marriage? Why, grandchildren, of course! When the zombies become terribly loud outside, I listen to this song, and imagine all of the children my daughters will soon produce. 

3.    Indigo Girls – Galileo: It’s so lovely to see what beautiful music two friends can make!

4.    Wilson Phillips- Hold On: Sometimes I believe these women speak directly about my plight…spectacular lyrics!!!!!

5.    Cher – If I Could Turn Back Time: Putting this song on my list, DOES NOT mean I approve of Miss Cher’s incredibly offensive attire. But her voice! I can’t get enough!

6.    The Carpenters – Rainy Days and Mondays:  Well, I must say I was unfamiliar with this song until my dear, heartbroken Jane insisted on listening to only this song for days on end. It’s quite melancholy, but lovely all the same.

7.    The Human League – Human: Not only is this a lovely song, but it reminds us of what we all are, humans! Enough with the unmentionables!

8.    The Shirelles - Going To the Chapel of Love: Need I say more!?!? What a joyous song, and it really gets me thinking about what matters in life. J

9.    Dirty Dancing - Time of My Life: Who can forget that final scene in Dirty Dancing when Baby and Johnny risk everything for their love!?! Why, I get goose bumps even thinking about it!

10.     Tina Turner – Proud Mary: Before the plague even descended upon England, I used sing this song to dear, serious Mary. Today, she merely purses her lips at the sound of these notes, but oh how she used to dance!

11.     Shania Twain­­ – You’re Still the One: More singers should instill the value of attaining masculine attention and finding love. I © Shania!!

12.     Falco- Rock Me Amadeus: Heres, a ditty that Mr. Bennet enjoys—such a novel “reinvention” of dear, familiar Mozart (though, to be quite honest, it’s not much to my own liking.)