Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Lizzy's Latest Endeavour

Some of you may have heard that my daughter Lizzy, in addition to insisting that she can fight as well as a man (why would you even want to?), has begun a small “zombie apothecary” business in our cellar. She’s become quite adept at creating salves and balms that she claims will combat the plague. As for me, I took it upon myself to convince Lizzy that the products must at the very least be floral scented (for everyone knows that jasmine and rosemary are universally appealing to men). She is currently selling these products on Etsy.com.

I sat down with my daughter Lizzy to discuss her endeavour, which, while not exactly ladylike, could at least be considered a handicraft in some circles (thus adding to her “accomplishments” as a young lady).

Mary was kind enough to transcribe our conversation, which appears below:

Mrs. Bennet: Why Lizzy, are you really intent on tying your hair back in such a manner? It’s so unfetching!

Lizzy: I thought I was here to talk about my apothecary business, mother.

Mrs. Bennet: Oh yes, yes, of course, I’m simply trying to “warm the waters” as they say!

Lizzy: Well, I have a batch of Reanimate and Perambulate smelling salts drying in the garden, so I don’t have long to discuss such trivialities.

Mrs. Bennet: Well, then! Silly me to keep you here, speaking of “trivialities” as you say, which will only help you find a husband! I daresay no gentleman will be impressed by this apothecary business of yours—your hairstyle is the only thing that will remind them that you’re a woman.

Lizzy: Goodness me, I knew this was a trick! I’m leaving.

Mrs. Bennet: No, no, no, no! Please, Lizzy, stay! Now let’s start over. Tell me about your business. My readers are very interested.

Lizzy: Well, all right. It’s a small apothecary business, and I’ve been producing salves and disinfectants so the people of Hertfordshire can better ward off the plague. Why, what happened to all those poor children at Beechman’s Home for Oprhans would have been completely avoidable, if they only had my Gnaw-be-Gone Purifying Poultice on hand.

Mrs. Bennet: What does that one smell like again? Peonies? Don’t roll your eyes at me! It’s a valid question.

Lizzy: Well, anyway, I’ve been sending small boxes of goods to powerful individuals in the area, so they can better ward off the plague. It’s been quite successful so far. I’ve also been selling these products on my Etsy account.

[long pause]

Lizzy: Why are you wringing your hands?

Mrs. Bennet: Are you really sure you won’t change your hair style? Lizzy! Don’t walk away! It’s just because I know how attractive it could look!

Well, anyway, perhaps the interview didn’t go quite as well as I wished, but please do take a look at Lizzy’s products: http://www.etsy.com/people/lizzysapothecary


  1. Mrs. Bennet, While it is admirable that Miss Bennet is trying her hand at helping those less fortunate....and less alive, I wonder at the idea of a young woman hawking her wares on the Internet. Is that quite proper, do you think? Alas, sometimes a mother must pick her battles. I do agree that a fetching hair style may go a long way in catching a husband.

    Good luck in your search for suitible matches for your lovely daughters.

  2. FarmWife, I am quite distraught, as you must imagine, about Lizzy's public and incredibly unrefined endeavours on the "Internet." However, after discussing the matter at great length with Mrs. Lucas, I do believe that my best tactic is to subtly encourage Lizzy to include feminine touches whenever possible. At the very least, she will become versed in a the value of a well-tied bow, a handwritten note, and the rosy scent of a lady on an afternoon promenade.

    I sincerely hope that your own daughters are not as rebellious and impertinent as Lizzy--I believe the transcript above demonstrates how truly wild she has become...by no fault of my own, of course!!